What have u been doing l8ly?
First off, I’d like to thank my lack of awareness on maintaining a car properly for what I’m about to show you. My origin story of ending up in Chloé Caldwell’s year-long memoir/personal essay course all because I got a flat tire on my road outside of a house where someone who was babysitting who is a fan of Chloé’s writing gave me a ride home a mile down the street and then told me about this class after we became friends through our chance meeting (hi holly!!!). By flat tire, I mean my tire was way too old and completely ripped off the entire wheel. LOL

In this class, I’ve been writing a manuscript for a memoir in the form of personal essays, kind of. I recently completed Phase One (out of three) of the course this past month. There are seven of us total in the class, and we’re all working on some deep shit. Phase One has been mostly generative, learning about different types of essay structures and craft, along with guest authors and writers visiting class often. We meet over Zoom every week. The end goal of this year-long course is to have a completed first draft manuscript. I’m getting there!

Right now, the story that is taking shape within my manuscript is a fiery queer erotic account of a destabilizing and failed romance, a breakup story, a revealing of just how fucked up my period has become over the past five years of my adult life, and a peek into one queer woman’s experience of opening up a long-term relationship to non-monogamy. 

Other topics covered in my manuscript so far include: 

-How Much I Adore SSRI’s

-What It’s Like When Your Partner Transitions

-How Do You Know When You Love Someone

-Why Do I Feel Like Total Shit

-Sex Sex Sex

-How Much I Hate My Period

-What Are Your Boundaries & Rules For Dating And Fucking Other People? 

-…and more. <3

Recently, I tried to write short descriptions of what my manuscript embodies over and over again: 

Narrator thinks she needs to be monogamous and never get divorced and have a nuclear family, but doesn’t quite realize she never had that all along. 

Narrator discovers the different sides of her that other people can bring out while being intimate and vulnerable with them. 

Narrator studies her life one year of opening her long-term relationship and comes to find that there was much work to be done in the areas of personal heal thing, growth and relating in general. 

A short and sturdy novella-sized book that tells a story but maybe also sheds light on some things we believe to be true, but may have more than one side to. 

A brief account of a destabilizing relationship that, in the process, reveals truths that had been neglected for far too long. 

Three overarching questions I was asking myself about this project last month: 

1. How do you deal with a crush/relationship that makes you feel obsessively insane? 

2. What happens when your world turns upside down in such a short period of time? 

3. Did I get what I wanted out of this relationship opening experience? 

4. Bonus Question: How did this experience strengthen my existing relationships?

SNEAK PEEK OF SOME OF MY LIL MANUSCRIPT <3

Phase Two starts in September, where we will be learning about editing and revising what we’ve generated already. 

Here are some unedited first few paragraphs of a few of the sections/chapters/essays/not sure what to call them from throughout the manuscript so far. I am proud of these! I am having fun in this class! The stuff I’m writing about can be draining and hard but it feels rewarding and I enjoy doing it. I imagine that it still has many shapes and transformations it will go through, but here is a sneak peak of what some of it looks like this early in the process :) Ok, hope u like!

. . : : ~*\//^\//*~ : : . .

5 Ways - At First

You both are respectful of each others’ boundaries. At first. 

You enter the relationship agreeing that you’re only looking for something casual, something fun. Not exactly No Strings Attached, but not exactly another full-on partner, either. Its your first try, your first fuck, your first train wreck of a love story. 

You both tell each other that you can’t just fuck someone without getting to know them first. You both tell each other that emotional connection and feeling safe is important.

When you finally start fucking regularly, you feel yourself falling. You can’t grab onto anything on your way down, because the tunnel you’re falling down is a gaping black hole, swallowing you up, the light rapidly diminishing above. 

It snowballs and all of the sudden, casual isn’t what you want anymore.

My Period Fucked Me

Day of Cycle: 27
5/6/2024 Tuesday

In a great mood

I write about sex with Chess and with Z, and the people in my writing class tell me I should write more about sex. Erotica, is that what you’re writing about? Wynne asks me. Well, yes, some of it is definitely erotica, I say. It’s not erotica, Chess retorts, defensive almost. I sense that maybe he doesn’t understand what I’m trying to convey with my writing, that our part of the story doesn’t embody such an erotic nature like I’m describing. I wonder if he is jealous that I’m saying that this story is about Z and him together, and that it is erotic. I don’t see why he’s so opposed to it in the moment.

The Ask

“Do you still wanna have a threesome?” He asked me casually, staring straight ahead at the curved and winding pine-flanked roads before us. The mountains are blue and floating in the distance. 

“Or maybe we could also explore on our own, too.”

We were both focusing our attention through the windshield, the clear sky stretching above us for miles and miles. I couldn’t comprehend at first, out of sheer disbelief, but not in the way you might think; this had been something I’d gently been pushing for the last eight years. My heart began to flutter, my stomach lightly dropping from the sudden thought of change. My body feeling excitable, electric. 

“Wow, I didn’t think I’d ever hear you willingly say those words,” I spoke, ending with a nervous laugh. He reached for my hand across the center console and rubbed his thumb across the tops of my fingers. I pulled his hand further over to rest on my thigh. 

Chess’s Transition

Going through a partner’s transition was not easy for me. Right when you start to think you know someone, a tornado can tear through and shake up your whole life. You begin to understand that there is so much more you don’t know, and might never know, that you’ve only scraped the surface. 

A few years into our relationship, I began to notice Chess’s outward appearance slowly changing from one end of the spectrum to another. When we met, he exclusively wore Madewell jeans, alternating between striped JCREW shirts and soft Adidas tees, platinum blond hair in a top knot and bright red lipstick every day. He was butch pretending to be femme.

Child of Divorce

I was in second grade when my parents divorced each other. They took me into my grandparent’s guest bedroom and sat me down on the twin bed in the corner, the lights were off and the evening sun was coming in through the single window looking into the front yard to the sidewalk. My mom started crying as they explained that they were no longer going to be married, that she was no longer going to be living with us, and probably that she and my dad were no longer in love. None of this made sense to me, I had no idea what they were even saying, but when I saw my mom’s face slick with tears, I started crying too. The only feeling I remember having was that I was confused as to why she was crying, so I mirrored her and cried too, maybe in solidarity, maybe because I had no fucking clue what was going on. My dad, I don’t remember what he was doing. He was probably just sitting there, maybe feeling bad about the whole situation, maybe not. 

Adirondacks Birthday Trip

Chess and a bunch of friends and I all went up to his family’s cabin in the Adirondacks for his birthday weekend. The night before we drove up, I had gone on a date with Z. We spent most of it pushing each other against the side of my car, saying how bad we wanted to fuck each other and then not fucking. I was reeling. Their hunting jacket they were wearing left scratches against the passenger side of the car. I texted them a picture the next morning while we were stopped at a gas station. thinking about last night, look at what you left behind, I said.

The whole car ride up to the Adirondacks, I was thinking about sex, thinking about fucking, thinking about cumming. My mind was flooded with thoughts about Z; they were inundated with constant replays of the night before. The sensation of my fingers inside of their mouth, reaching for the back of their throat, the shivers my body produced when their hand brushed the inside of my thighs, the weight of their body against mine, against the car, the way I felt when I was leaning back against the dash, my legs resting on top of theirs, my body floating above theirs like a swaying dock in the water. They told me it was like magic, that I could be hot and cute at the same time.

Big Crush

I sought out this exact scenario, whether I was fully aware of it or not. I knew the motive in the back of my mind, but I’m not sure I ever said it aloud or gave it the recognition of how serious I was about finding it. I knew exactly what I wanted— it was just a matter of time until I would meet someone who could give it to me. 

Maybe I manifested this, maybe there are just enough people out there who are good at wrecking other people. Maybe I wanted a queer love story that ended in turmoil, maybe I thought that a relationship can’t be fun unless its complicated, that it can’t be passionate without some form of abuse, that it can’t give you adrenaline without ending in an incredibly broken heart. Maybe I spoke it into existence, a lost love, the one that got away, the one who turned my life upside down and made me question everything about myself, about my perception of others.

5 Ways - Sloppy

Your partner tells you you’re being sloppy. He asks you to remember that you are in a relationship with him, too. He reminds you that you both agreed that you and him come first. 

You say, yes, okay, I’ll try to be better, and you still somehow fuck it up. 

Something happens to your body when you Z see in any capacity. When their name pops up on your screen, a rush of fear that your partner might see it swallows your whole body. You silence their notifications. When you see them out running an errand in town, your practical mind powers down and a new program starts within your brain. You start to shake, nerves consuming your every limb, your mind goes blank, you don’t have the ability to use your words.

Dream State - I’m Yours

Z

we’re lying on top of your bed at your friends house you’re staying at. our legs are wrapped up in each others, intertwined, i can feel every single spot where our skin is touching, soft, heavy, the light around us a soft pink from the handkerchief thrown across the top of the tiny lamp in the corner, my mind in disbelief that this moment is reality, that i’m lying here with you just existing, catching a breath, am i dreaming right now?

we’re rolling around, all over the bed, i’m resting on top of you, my arms crossed against your chest staring at your face, tracking the freckles that trail up the side of your cheek and onto your nose, you say you wanna try something, not to take it too seriously, i say let’s try it, and i start to touch you where you’re so wet, the words so quietly leave your mouth, i’m yours. breathing, steady, intense, i’m yours, a little louder. we’ve somehow switched places, you’re on top of me, i’m below, you’re mine right now, you’re telling me to fuck you up but i don’t just yet. i just keep touching you the same, lost in your freckles, your braids hanging down past your shoulders above me, you’re in it, you’re really floating above me in a fantasy world, reaching your tether towards me so that i can hold on and join you.

Blackout 

After I get home from the train ride back upstate, I lay in bed witnessing Z enter another realm they wouldn’t quite remember from 100 miles away, through the screen of my phone. In the form of garbled messages, a missed FaceTime call, a location share of their apartment and undelivered texts. Fear wraps itself around my stomach like a silk scarf, beautiful but tightening and suffocating me. Smothering me, filling me with a worry that I can’t shake. I want to text them to never talk to me again while they are blacking out. I don’t want to know, I can’t handle the worry. I decide not to.

Dream State - Mexico

Partner

we’re going to mexico for a quick winter vacation. i booked our flight out of the wrong airport, but its okay, the wythe is cheap to stay at on a monday night in january. we take pictures of each other through the mirror window in the shower that leads to the room, i send the back version of mine to Z, they send me a room service fantasy back. i show the fantasy to you because you are also the star in it. 

we miss our flight, and then we miss our flight again, but the lexapro is working its magic on me, I feel okay, i don’t give a shit, i’m just happy to be on this adventure with you. we laugh at how ridiculous everything is turning out to be, we book another room at another hotel down the street and stay in brooklyn another night. we go shopping, we see a friend for dinner, we take luxe showers again and take more photos of each other in the water. 

when we get to mexico, everything is beautiful. the hotel is beautiful, the sand is beautiful, the painted signage on the buildings is beautiful, the dogs walking around the island are all beautiful. i feel so happy to be in the sun next to you, my mind blank, just filled with absolutely nothing but chill. i’m not even thinking about how soon this will be over.

Dream State - R

R

i’ve been looking forward to hanging out with you, its been more than two weeks since we set a date. over pizza and mezcal, i ask you if you’re a top or a bottom. you tell me about your life and i tell you about mine. 

after our second drink at another bar, we’re walking in the cold dark and you ask me where i want to go and i tell you i don’t know where i want to go, but i do know that i want to kiss you right now. we start making out on the corner of fair and main, holding each other close to keep the warmth from leaving us. you ask if i want to go sit on a bench now that we’ve warmed up a little. we find one and sit, my legs draped over yours, making out and staring at each others faces drunkenly, staring into the dark sky when we’re not. 

Dream State - Hudson

Partner

i call you crying from my car in hudson, the same feeling as when i called you months before to tell you i needed to cut ties with Z in the parking lot of our old office. this time i’m outside my friend’s house in hudson, the moon a bright tiny silver in the dusk-blue sky above his apartment. i’ve cried over Z but three times since i last heard from them. its becoming all too clear to me that i don’t need to keep waiting around, i don’t need to let them keep hurting me like this. you listen to me cry and tell me that i’m smart and amazing and deserve someone who will give me what i need and will treat me like the princess queen that i am. 

something i realize about you is that during this entire tumultuous ride, since the first break with Z, you have been nothing but loving and gentle with me. you let me cry in your arms, you don’t let your anger towards Z make me feel dumb about my unreasonable longing for them, you don’t flat out tell me to never see them again. you give me space to work it out on my own, you give me a place to be held and to cry out my feelings and to process in my own time. this is so special to me, you are my safe place.